Searching…

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I think a lot about my former self, my younger self.  If that self had known that I was going to become this self, I don’t think I ever would have been that self.  Ya know?

I look back on younger-me, and I don’t feel too proud.  Younger-me is not the kind of person that current-me would like to know, if we’re being honest.

I had a lot of late nights and missed classes and bad decisions and broken promises.  There were Mr. Wrongs and Mr. What-Were-You-Thinkings. I got kicked out of bars and my home and college.  I smoked, I drank, I was a jerk to my mom, I gravitated towards all the wrong people and the wrong choices.  Looking back, I see that I was just stumbling around, searching….

I was looking for myself, not unlike other twenty-somethings.  Trying to figure out who I was meant to be.  Who was the person buried deep underneath the nonsense?

It took me a long time to find what I was looking for.  Years.  All through high school and college and my early teaching career.  I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin.  A lot of the time, I felt like a stranger to myself.

And then, I had a glimpse of what I didn’t even know I was trying to find.

I found the only true love of my life (who, coincidentally had been standing next to me the whole time).  We married, and I started to settle in to myself.  From him, I found what I had been searching for…

My family.  Him and Maddie and Kate.

I sure don’t know how all those bad decisions led me here.  I don’t know how former-self became current-self.

But I know this to be 100% true:  I was meant to be their mommy.  That’s where my true self exists.  I am many things, but above all else, I am Maddie and Kate’s mom.

I am most content, most at peace, and most happy when I am with them.  I breathe easier and smile more.  I am completely comfortable in my skin when I’m with my family, and I know I was meant to be right where I am.

I can’t reconcile former-self with current-self.  I don’t know why I had to be lost for so long.  But now I know I’m found.

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10 thoughts on “Searching…

  1. The path we each take is different, but we are all searching. I’m glad you found out who/what you wanted to be. I’m sure your mother is thrilled that you found this role. I know I was when my son became the man he is today.

  2. Dana.. I think most can relate with former self vs current self. It’s the process of discovering who we are… While it may sometinmes induce a cringe or two, those lessons are necessary. Some are not looking that far into the future, or that deep, intraspectively. That’s the place where those bad decisions just keep repeating themselves in a vicious cycle… Others, fortunately, LEARN. And consequently, move forward. What a blessing it is to be at a place of peace and love in your life.

  3. Such an honest look at yourself. It made me think about myself as a young adult. I don’t think I have the courage to write publicly about that person. Very scary. Glad you did it, though, makes me feel so not alone. 🙂

  4. After reading your post I could not help, but notice that I had similar experiences. I think experiences give us the choice to continue or take pause and become a better person and evaluate and learn from our mistakes and become all the better for it.

  5. Amazing what love can do! Sigh… just enjoy where you are, and don’t look in the rearview mirror any more!
    I have made a “found poem”of SOL post titles today and your title is in my poem!

  6. You had to be your first self to know how truly amazing this self is. The past is the past all the matters is the present and the wonderful life/love you have now. I speak from experience:) Your babies are blessed.

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