I think a lot about my former self, my younger self. If that self had known that I was going to become this self, I don’t think I ever would have been that self. Ya know?
I look back on younger-me, and I don’t feel too proud. Younger-me is not the kind of person that current-me would like to know, if we’re being honest.
I had a lot of late nights and missed classes and bad decisions and broken promises. There were Mr. Wrongs and Mr. What-Were-You-Thinkings. I got kicked out of bars and my home and college. I smoked, I drank, I was a jerk to my mom, I gravitated towards all the wrong people and the wrong choices. Looking back, I see that I was just stumbling around, searching….
I was looking for myself, not unlike other twenty-somethings. Trying to figure out who I was meant to be. Who was the person buried deep underneath the nonsense?
It took me a long time to find what I was looking for. Years. All through high school and college and my early teaching career. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin. A lot of the time, I felt like a stranger to myself.
And then, I had a glimpse of what I didn’t even know I was trying to find.
I found the only true love of my life (who, coincidentally had been standing next to me the whole time). We married, and I started to settle in to myself. From him, I found what I had been searching for…
My family. Him and Maddie and Kate.
I sure don’t know how all those bad decisions led me here. I don’t know how former-self became current-self.
But I know this to be 100% true: I was meant to be their mommy. That’s where my true self exists. I am many things, but above all else, I am Maddie and Kate’s mom.
I am most content, most at peace, and most happy when I am with them. I breathe easier and smile more. I am completely comfortable in my skin when I’m with my family, and I know I was meant to be right where I am.
I can’t reconcile former-self with current-self. I don’t know why I had to be lost for so long. But now I know I’m found.